An ode to the keepers of law- or just witty ones, for that matter- Part I

... this one is with reference to a dear lawyer, who would have behaved similarly in a similar situation (would behave, rather) or so I believe...

Adam when dead (may the Soul rest in peace)
"Khul ja Simsim!", the Golden Gates, if you please.
"Hold it, dearie!" bellowed Saint Peter- pretty much
To Adam's disdain- "the golden handle, please, unclutch."

"I have been good, loved my wife,
Not hurt a soul, swear upon my life!"
"Tch tch.. my dear.. you ignorant souls,
Your road ahead is none, but breaks ans potholes!
Good and bad, is but a poor measure
To gain or deny, this House of Pleasure!
Net Present Value of your life's worth-
To the time of your death, from the time of your birth-
Was taught to me lately, by God's own Minion,
And jolly good it is, if you ask my opinion.
Though too much math, and lots of operators,
How thankful we are, to your human calculators!
Number of people happy, minus the number sad
On account of your deeds, and relations you've had.
Discount it over the Cost of Capital that
We incur to support your Soul under Adam's hat.
If you are back with less viable returns,
I'm sorry my friend, Hell Fire (quite cheaply) burns!"

"Oh! Oh! Don't you see, I have blood pressure,
Can we not do this talk at some other leisure?
For now, let me in, the wine that awaits
To quench my Soul, and pressure abates."

"Not so soon, Smarty Pants! Do plead your case.
And I shall decide, your probability beyond these gates."
"Umm... I loved my Mum, troubled my Dad..."
"Zero, so far then! if you Mum minus Dad."
"Wait a minute, not so fast, dear Saint,
I've had Eve and kids, who seldom complained.
Then there was old Mrs. Lonely, just next door,
And the broke student I helped, on the top floor.
My Boss I've troubled, I do agree; but
Jerks don't count, or your Minion was a nut!"
"Your case well pled, though shaken my faith
In the minion's algorithm, and now I'm afraid
You may enter Heaven, but do make a pledge
To help me correct, this inaccurate Tool to judge.
For, you see my calculations here,
Deny you entry, and Hell Fire to bear!"

Once inside, Adam smiled and said,
"You know, the Tool is fine; I was a Lawyer..", afore he fled.